PMQs Explained (No3: 21/6/06)

Today in Parliament...

Cameron: ‘You’ll notice that my tie is a greyer shade of green this week and with complementary spots on too. I’m such a babe! Now, two weeks ago you said you’d work with me to help reduce knife crime. Is that going to happen before you bring in a law about it or not? I’m mentioning this in the hope that when it becomes clear that you won’t work with me you’ll look like a bullshitter as a result and also because it’s been a while since I came out with my friendly-and-cooperative spiel.’

Blair: ‘I never said I’d work with you. I said I’d think about it. By this I actually mean that I wouldn’t work with you if you ate Prescott, whole, right in front of me and spat his bones all over Gordon and also that if and when you fail to vote in favour of my new law I’ll be able to cry: “Told you so! Soft on crime!”’

Cameron: ‘I’ll take that as a yes, even though it isn’t what you said. Now, how about I wind you up by suggesting we Tories work with you to stop police forces from being merged? I can afford to say this because I know it won’t happen either even though the Home Secretary has agreed with me that a review of proposed mergers is required. How about you promise that no changes will happen until the review has been completed?

Blair: ‘No chance. The problem is that so many people are moaning about the mergers that we’ve got to make it look as though we’re listening. After we’ve done that we’ll do pretty much what we feel like anyway. Oh, and by the way: since I’ve got to keep my red top masters onside over hating paedos I’ll drag up last week’s little tiff again. You said Craig Sweeney would be out within six years. I’ll put it that way even though it isn't what you said. And actually, thanks to me, he could stay locked up forever. I won’t mention the inconvenient fact that he’ll be considered for parole after he’s been inside for less than six years because even though the judge thinks he'd be unlikely to get it I want to send the message that I hate paedos more than you do.’

Cameron: ‘I can’t be assed with getting into all that stuff again. Instead I’ll quickly remind everyone that your friend Fatty Falconer and your little Home Office soldiers have all being saying different things about it. Now, back to my old flannel about “working together”. We want a single force to police Britain’s borders. So do loads of important people. How about you, grandad?’

Blair: ‘No thanks. That’s because we’ve already flung shed loads of dough at home security and we’re bringing in ID cards. You don’t want those, do you, pretty boy?’

Cameron: ‘The Home Office is making things up as it goes along. That chief constable said so the other day, though I won’t go into specifics in case The Sun sez I don’t hate paedos enough. The whole ministry is a shambles and you’ve been prime minister for nine years. You’re past it, mate! Move on!’

Blair: ‘Here’s one of my lists: crime down, nastiness to asylum-seekers up blah-de-blah. The problem you lot have with me is I’m too toff. I mean “tough”. That was a Freudian slip, possibly prompted by my acute self-consciousness about being almost as much of a toff as you are, something I try to cover up by letting a glottal stop creep into my accent when I’m talking about football like on 6-0-6 the other night. Anyway, you talk tough but don’t act it. Tough, tough, tough, that’s me! Oooh, just saying it excites me!’

Cameron: ‘Everything’s a mess and it’s your fault.’

Blair: ‘You’re a great big Jessie.’

PMQs END.

Comments

[Bill]

Well if only they expressed themselves those terms, turnout would increase in the next general election, surely?

You could extend it to other areas. Eg education.
Blair: "I don't have a clue what to do about our crapyp schools. Nor does anyone else, because it's an incredibly complicated issue. Everything that's been tried before doesn't work so we're going to try something new in the hope that it works."

Cameron: "Good luck with that. If it doesn't work, I'll just say 'I told you so'. If it does, well I'll just borrow the policy for myself."

We all respect politicians far more when they are honest with us, no?

[Lucky]

Many is the true word spoken in jest.
Fine stuff.

[Dave Hill]

Thank you both. I'm planning to provide this service after every PMQs. And Bill - if and when they have a row about education I promise to plagiarise you!